My Precioussss: A LotR Counseling Service
by pixelsurgeon
Summary: In which Merry's sister Girly fails to appear, 'fabu' becomes Gandalf's word, and everyone is a hairetic. T for some language.
1. Chapter 1

**Merry: **All right. The author has told me that she will stalk me _less_ than any of the other guys. (Even Gimli? Geez.) So I'm doing the disclaimer. *clears throat* NEWSFLASH: The author does not, no matter what she tells you, own Lord of the Rings. She also says there'll be OOCness…

**Author: **And slashiness, because no mortal can resist making fun of Frodo and Sam, and insanity, and all that good stuff. OH, and I realized I will actually stalk Merry ,so, goodbye!

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><p><strong>Elrond: <strong>Why I agreed to do this, I don't know. So. Why do you think you're here?

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam.

**Elrond: **Exactly! Anyone else?

**Legolas: **Well, a dwarf beat me in the number of killings for a battle. It mentally destroyed me. And my hair, my poor, poor hair.

**Gimli: ***tries very hard not to laugh and fails*

**Pippin: **Well, I dunno about anyone else, but _I _keep having visions involving Gandalf and Saruman licking fondue off each other's beards. So, tha's why I'm here.

**Merry: **Really, Pip? Had to share that with everyone else?

**Gandalf: **I can't tell whether we're the movie people or the book people!

**Sam:** I'd say, judging by Mr. Frodo's age, we're movie.

**Aragorn: **Have you ever had a girl with rebellious princess syndrome stalk you? It's not fun.

**Eowyn: **Well, have you ever had a hobbit fall in love with you? It's not fun either!

**Merry: ***looks downcast*

**Saruman: **I was dropped a lot as a child…

**Everyone: ***clear throats*

**Random Uruk-Hai: **My skin! It's so… ugly! And people run away in terror when they see me! I'm so… insecure.

**Everyone: ***stifle laughs*

**R.U.H: **Hey! That's not nice! *bursts into tears*

**Legolas: **I just noticed how much my name sounds like Legoland. And I also look like that handsome man from Pirates of the Carribean.

**Dumbledore: **Whoops. Wrong fandom. *disapparates*

**Gandalf: **I like him. He seems like me.

**Gollum: **I briefly interrupt this to say: My preciousssssssss…

**Nazgul: **Shiiiiire… Bagginssssss…

**Gollum: **PRECIOUSSSS!

**Nazgul: **SHIIIIRE… BAGGINSSSSS!

**Everyone except them and R.U.H: ***facepalm*

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Aragorn: ***looks around nervously* I was convinced by the rest of the guys to do this. The author wants to say that she is insane. And that if she owned L.o.t.R., you wouldn't want to know what happened. On with it!

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><p><strong>Elrond: <strong>Okay, the new issue is why so many people think you're gay. All of you.

**Frodo: **I don't know! I mean, all I've ever done was say 'Oh, Sam' a lot.

**Legolas: **It's the hair.

**Everyone but him: **Not the hair rant…

**Legolas: **See, I have the most amazing long blonde hair. It's even better then Brad Pitt in Troy! So it makes sense that everyone would be attracted to me.

**Saruman: **I am the mighty Sharuman! Everyone should be attracted to me!

**Merry: **You mean Saruman, mate.

**Saruman: **Oh. Right.

**Aragorn: **It's definitely the beards.

**Legolas: **But that means…

**Galadriel: **Exactly. Nobody finds you attractive.

**Legolas: **Why you?

**Galadriel: **The author was feeling random.

**Pippin: **Right. Well, that explains… that. *points to Frodo and Sam making out*

**Galadriel: **No, that's because she's insane.

**Pippin: **Yeah, whatever. Let's talk about us!

**Elrond: ***headwall* *jumps off random cliff*

**Everyone: **(8) Ding-dong, the elf is dead…(8)

**Frodo: ***still making out with Sam*

**Aragorn: **Please, somebody… Stop this madness!

**Gimli: **It was madness before this! I had to be…*shudders* *gulps* TOSSED!

**Aragorn: **You told me to! Besides, it's better than being toasted.

**Gandalf: **Does anybody else feel like there's an inside joke here?

**Everyone: **Definitely.

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam!

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Pippin: **I'm at Sting-point. I never wanted to do this!

**Me: ** Get to the point.

**Pippin: ***sobs* She says she's insane! And that she doesn't own us! *evilness* And never will… Actually, how the hell did she get Sting?

**Me: **I'm amazing. Now shut up.

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><p><strong>Legolas: <strong>*sulking* I don't have a beard.

**Everyone else: ***facepalm*

**Legolas: **Was that the sound of thousands of elves/people/dwarves/orcs/uruk-hai/hobbits/wizards facepalming?

**Gandalf: **Wizards are humans too!

**Saruman: **NO! We're higher beings! Much higher!

**Gandalf: **You sound like that guy from the X-Men.

**Saruman: **Whatever.

**Random Uruk-Hai: **I'm back and fabulous, bitches!

**Frodo: ***inappropriate stare* Nah, not that fabulous.

**R.U.H: **No! You've ruined my self esteem!

**Frodo: **Us hobbits are fabulous. So are Aragorn and Boromir.

**Every guy not included: **HEY!

**Frodo: **Oh, and Harry. Wait, wrong series. Haha… It's just that the wizards are so similar… You know…

**Wizards: ***not amused*

**Frodo: **You… don't. That's cool… *runs off and hide in corner*

**Wizards: ***advance*

**Frodo: **THE RING MADE ME DO IT!

**Wizards: ***accept explanation* *return to seats*

**Frodo: **Mwahaha… I can do anything, my precioussssss…..

**Wizards: ***feel sympathy*

**Frodo: **This is way too easy.

**Gollum: **Hey, we didn't get that treatment, precioussss.

**Sam: ***nasty glare*

**Gollum: ***runs and hides*

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Gimli: **She said she'd toast me if I didn't do this! Dwarves weren't meant to be toasted! They're better cooked lightly…

**Me: **Get the *bleep* on with it!

**Gimli: **Right, yes. Insane! She doesn't own us! She's weird!

**Me: **I didn't say the last one… *smites Gimli*

**Gimli: **Hey…

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><p><strong>Frodo: <strong> Someone said they use 'Oh, Sam.' to annoy their friend, Sam.

**Sam: **Well, that's unfair.

**Frodo: **No! I was going to say, by all means, do it! I will now do 'Oh, Sam' more often then I rightly should.

**Everyone sane(not many people): ***groan*

**Saruman: **Isn't my beard amazing?

**Legolas: **I don't have one.

**Everyone else: ** WE KNOW!

**Aragorn: **You're just jealous that girls go nuts over me and my beard.

**Gandalf: **Uh, no, bitches! It's mine! I have the best beard! Uh-huh! Oh, yeah!

**Everyone sane: ***stares in confusion*

**Gandalf: **What'choo lookin' at?

**Gimli: **Now let's be reasonable. My beard is almost as tall as me.

**Saruman: **You're short. Unimpressive.

**Gimli: **I HAVE THE BEST BEARD IN THE LAND!

**Aragorn: **I do. You lie! I kill you!

**Gandalf: **Mine, bitches, mine!

**Saruman: **Mine!

**Merry & Pip:** We do! Obviously.

**Bearded men: **You don't have them.

**Merry: **Ah, but we do! They're the latest in beard technology! The Invisi-Beard! They have them for free in Rivendell. You should get one.

**Everyone but Merry and Pippin: ***storm Rivendell*

**Elves at Rivendell: ***play along*

**Merry and Pip: ***evil laugh*

**Frodo: **BUT I DIDN'T SAY 'OH, SAM'!

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Arwen: **The author is aware it's been awhile, and she apologizes.

**Me: **Alright, who assigned the elf? _Especially _the one who's taking my love?

**Arwen: **_Your _love? Excuse me, Aragorn doesn't belong to you, as with everything else in L.o.t.R. See, I'm so cool I can use the abbreviation.

**Me: ***bitch slap*

**Arwen: ***bitch slap*

**Random person: **We'll return to this… later.

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><p><strong>Frodo: <strong>Oh, Sam, my dear Sam. HA! I said it before anyone else could say anything! Point FRODO, MAN!

**Everyone: ***stare at Frodo*

**Frodo: ***tries to stare at everyone before realizing it's physically impossible* Whatever.

**Legolas: **I have knots. In my hair. Kill me…kill me now.

**Gimli: **OK! *gets out axe*

**Aragorn: **Yeah, no problem, homie! *gets out sword*

**Gandalf: **Whatever, bitches! *gets out staff*

**Legolas: ***vaporizes in fear*

**Gimli: **Well, that's one problem solved.

**Merry: **Definitely improved our mental health. Thanks.

**Frodo: **Oh, SAMSAMSAMSAMSAM!

**Merry: **I take back my last statement. It improved most people's mental health.

**Saruman: **No one listened to me when I said this the first time! I was dropped a lot as a child.

**The room: ***dead silence for 30 seconds* *burst right back in to being insane*

**Saruman: **No one listens… *sob*

**Sam: **Dude… WTF? I haven't said anything, really.

**Pip: **What a _loss_.

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam.

**Sam: **See! You just cut me off!

**Pip: **So horribly terrible.

**Merry: **_Awful._ Utterly.

**Aragorn: **Such a tragedy.

**Harry Potter: **You think _that's_ a tragedy? My…

**Aragorn: **We were being sarcastic. Piss off, pretty boy. *holds sword menacingly*

**Harry: ***disapparates*

**Frodo: **Shame. I quite liked him. Oh, Sam Harry Sam Harry Sam….

**Sam: **Now you're just confusing me.

**Galadriel: **Aren't we all?

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><p><strong>AN: ** I BEAT ARWEN! Anyways, please review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Me: **Whoah, I actually get the first word?

**Frodo: **I was busy throwing a ring in Mordor, sorry.

**Me: **Whatever. If you need to know my disclaimer stuff, it's on the last chapters. I can't be bothered to do it now.

**Frodo: **You hear that? She _can't be bothered._

**Me: **If you take that tone with me, I'll send you to Shelob!

**Frodo: ***pales* *runs for his life*

**Me: **Never fails. On with it!

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><p><strong>Gollum: <strong>Hey, y'all! The Random Uruk-Hai and I decided to take a vacation together. We're back now, and we are fabulous! I don't say 'my precioussss' anymore!

**Merry: **Excuse me, who asked about your vacation?

**Gollum: **No one…?

**Legolas: **Someone revived me with… Gummy bears, I think. Being vaporized was an odd experience.

**Aragorn: **Would you like to experience it again, my friend?

**Legolas: ***backs away* No, I'm good.

**Aragorn: **I just realized how many names I have…

**Frodo: **Someone has requested more, 'Oh, SAM!' I'm happy to oblige.

**Aragorn: **You know, that's weird. Elessar, Dunedain, Strider, Aragorn.

**Sam: **I vote against more 'Oh, Sam'.

**Frodo: ***sadly* Oh, Sam, no.

**Legolas: **I think Elessar is the best of the names.

**Gimli: **You just like it because it's Elvish.

**Merry: **I vote against more 'Oh, Sam'.

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam.

**Merry: **Oi.

**Galadriel: **Alright everyone, SHUT UP! You're confusing the poor readers with two different discussions.

**Pippin: **And you're breaking the fourth wall, but no one's getting after you for it.

**Galadriel: **I'm freaking Cate Blanchett. I can do whatever I bloody well please!

**Aragorn: **So you're movie Galadriel, and that's the only one that's sure.

**Galadriel: **Exactly. I just want to say I like Elessar best, too.

**Aragorn: **AUTHOR! START CHANGING MY NAME TO ELESSAR!

**Me: **You don't have to yell, I'm right here.

**Elessar: **Yeah… *pales* I totally knew that.

**Frodo: **She's so close… Oh, Sam.

**Elessar: **Oh, Arwen.

**Everyone in room: ***looks at Elessar* *Bleep* you, man.

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	7. Chapter 7

**Christmas Orc: **Merry late Christmas!

**Me: **Merry ate Christmas…? Hobbits these days. Anyways, if you're having issues picturing a Christmas Orc, basically think of an orc in a Santa hat and elf wear. It's scary. Still don't own L.o.t.R, though I begged my parents. Have a chapter.

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><p><strong>Frodo: <strong>Oh, Sam.

**Sam: ***slaps Frodo*

**Frodo: **Bitch.

**Elessar: **I like Aragorn better…

**Gandalf: **It's been so long that everyone's randomness is resetting! The world shall explode if I don't use my eyebrows to stop it!

**Pippin: **Respect the eyebrows.

**Merry: **I'm confused…I ate Christmas? Who's Christmas and what did I have against them?

**Christmas Orc: ***facepalms* _Late_.

**Merry: **Late what?

**Gandalf's eyebrows: ***struggling to restore sanity* *collapse*

**Gandalf: **NOOOOOOOOO! Not the eyebrows!

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam.

**Gimli: ***to Gandalf* I can lend you _my _eyebrows…

**Aragorn: ***laughing* _That _sounded wrong.

**Gandalf: ***sobs about loss of eyebrows*

**Legolas: ***is brushing his amazing hair and generally not caring that the insanity in the room is escalating*

**Aragorn: **That was a very long action description.

**Gollum: **My precioussss….We're saying that again, yes, precioussss…We blames Gandalf and his eyebrows, don't we, precioussss?

**Random Uruk-Hai: **All that time…wasted! I feel like nothing again.

**Saruman: **Damn, I'm just white again.

**Merry and Pippin: **Racist.

**Saruman: ***sobs because of his whiteness*

**Frodo: **Oh, SAM!

**Sam: **Listen, sister. Shut. UP.

**Everyone except Frodo: ***cheers Sam*

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	8. Chapter 8

**Me: **I'm back. Can you believe it? Neither can I.

**Boromir: **SHE PROMISED US FREEDOM!

**Me: **…nope. Anyways, sorry it's been so long. I hope this makes up for it. Still don't own L.o.t.R.

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><p><strong>Frodo: <strong>Oh, Sam.

**Sam: **Back to that, are we?

**Merry: **What were you expecting?

**Pippin: **The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?

**Gimli: **…I don't understand…

**Legolas: ***attacks Gimli with hairbrush*

**Gimli: **GET AWAY FROM ME YOU GIRLY ELF!

**Legolas: ***pulls brush back* *sobs* I'm not _girly_! I'm just..in touch with my feminine side.

**Aragorn: **Girly.

**Pippin: **Wait, Merry's sister? Where is she?

**Merry: ***facepalms*

**Frodo: **Oh, Sam.

**Gollum: ** We look creepy in the Hobbit trailer, don't we, Preciousssss?

**Gandalf: **Yeah, will someone explain why I let glowy-telepathic-elf touch my fabu hair?

**Legolas: **Pshht, your hair is not fabu! MY HAIR IS FABU! AND ONLY I USE THE WORD FABU!

**Frodo: **Or so you think. Sam's so fabu…

**Sam: **I don't even know what anyone's talking about.

**Aragorn: **That didn't happen years ago? It happened at the ring council-y thing for me.

**Sam: **That would have been good to know.

**Sauron: ***is laughing at LOLcats*

**The Ring: **Just when you think you know someone…

**Galadriel: **Ahem, Gandalf, the reason I was touching your hair was because I thought a crow flew into it.

**Legolas: **YOU ARE A HAIR HERETIC! YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE AN ELF! HAIRETIC! GANDALF'S HAIR IS TOO FABU TO HAVE FILTHY _BIRDS_ IN IT! HAIRETIC! WE SHOULD BURN YOU!

**Gimli: **Did anyone understand a word he just said?

**Everyone: ***shakes heads*

**Gimli: **Good.

**Legolas: **You're all hairetics. *sniffs*

**Pippin: **WHERE THE HELL IS MERRY'S SISTER? I WANNA KNOW WHERE GIRLY IS!

**Merry: ***facepalm*

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><p><strong>AN: **Oof, I'm out of practice…well, please review anyways.


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